Heartache

No one ever said parenting would be easy. In fact, you hear that all the time. I tried my best to prepare myself to be a parent. Even more so when number two came along only 1 year and 15 days after number one. People often wonder how they can love a second child as much as the first, but the minute you see that baby, you know there is twice as much room to love, which in turn means there is twice as much room for heartache. Which is the one thing I didn't see coming, the one thing no one mentioned, the amount of heartache there is in raising your babies. This heartache isn't all bad. I used to equate heartache with things that were sad, not so any more. I'm learning very quickly that there are many kinds of heartaches and parenthood is made up of a conglomerate of them. I can't remember which one hit me first. Whether it was the happy ache I felt just watching Jacob play and be silly. Or if it was the sad ache I felt when he would get hurt, sick or feel afraid. It may have been the proud ache I felt when he would master something or would be extra gentle with Aidan, loving on him, giving him kisses. There is the warming ache that rushes over you when they look up at you and smile for the first or the hundredth time or as they snuggle with you first thing in the morning and right before bed at night. After an especially trying day, I have had aches of doubt - am I really the mother I thought I would be, am I doing something wrong . . .
I'm learning quickly to accept the fact that heartache is going to be a very real part of my everyday life. I can't recall a day in the past 16 months that I haven't felt at least one of those aches. I've wondered if these aches will lessen as my babies get older - but have come to the conclusion that they probably won't. There will be many more things mastered, many more gentle gestures, many more silly times, many more doubts, many more sad times, many more proud times and hopefully many more smiles and snuggles ~ which means much more heartache.